Hello friends.
So I've searched the earth far and wide to bring you IP #4. OK, that's a lie; I haven't really looked at all. However, one did just happen to appear. I will warn you, friends, this is not a happy tale. It is not sad. It is creepy. That's right. I've decided to give you a brief insight to what a creeper magnet I truly am.
A lovely Sunday it was. The sun was shining and off to Barnes & Noble did my roomie, Katie, and I trot (drive) to study. All seemed well. We didn't have to fight any junior high students for a study table. Which brings me to a brief point. If you are one of those inconsiderate tools sitting at a study table drinking a cup of coffee/laughing at a decibel not fit for human ears while you can clearly see two young ladies lugging heavy bags with laptops and books in search for such table--MOVE! I will not apologize for giving you the stink eye or for making you the subject of a defamatory blog. Anyways, back to the subject. We found a table...with an outlet. Big deal, actually. While setting up our materials, a guy (I can't say man because I don't think he qualified, but he wasn't a boy) turns and begins small talk. We respond thinking he's just friendly. Well, friendly he is. So friendly in fact that one could assume he might have a girl shoved in his trunk! I don't know how this always happens to me! This makes twice in the past week I've had to dodge a creeper. While I'll be the first to admit that the female gender can be crazy, obsessive, dramatic, emotional...blah blah blah, all of that in no way entitles a guy to be a 'Ted Bundy'. I don't know if you've been watching The Bachelorette but that Kasey character is case and point number one. Crazy much?! And Ali didn't even flinch at the tattoo. I guess to spare his feelings, but if it had been me -- this is how that convo would've gone.
Crazy Kasey: "I got a tattoo to prove that I'm here 'to guard and protect your heart'."
Me: Security! We've got a crazy bleepity-bleep-bleep-bleep over here! Listen, Kasey, you need to check yourself into an asylum. Give me your shoelaces, Kasey. Don't fight the straitjacket."
Done, and done. Girls, don't spare their feelings. When they're creepers...call them out! You wouldn't beat around the bush with an alcoholic or a guido would you? No. Stop doing these creepers any favors and send them to a support group.
So there ya have it. IP #4 is Mr. Creepy-shove you in a trunk-dude.
Have a BIG day, and don't forget your pepper spray.
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
TV gradebook
When it comes to TV, there's the good, the bad, and the downright ugly. So ugly in fact that producers of said hideous shows often gather in rituals of torture. That's right, they shop for Ed Hardy and get their tips frosted. Ugh...I'll pause to let you vomit. But every once in a while, there's a true breakthrough. Like a unicorn galloping over a rainbow ridden by Santa. You can't believe your eyes, but there it is. A myth proven true that is so beautiful you can't tear away your eyes. But they usually cancel those shows after one season, so that's why you're still an unbeliever. Yes, I'm still bitter about Freaks and Geeks.
I love TV. Which probably attributes to many of my problems, but in my defense I am a much wittier and socially-conscious individual than when I used to see sunlight every single day. Silver lining, anyone?
Seeing as this is MY blog with MY thoughts, I feel like I can say what I want. So please read.
The Office- Let's begin with the obvious. The theme song is my ringtone. I have a poster, my browser is Office themed. There is a slight obsession. But lately, I fear for the integrity of my favorite show. Let's face it Jim and Pam were so much cuter when they were just that. Jim...and...Pam. Not Jam or Pim...or with a freakin' baby. I'm a fan of marriage, but let's be honest - the only person we care about finding wedded bliss is Michael. If you're female, you want to be able to fantasize about cute, adorable slacker Jim and not mortgage, boss, no-longer-look-in-the-camera Jim. Step it up, people. The Brits are winning.
The Biggest Loser- I love it. With my whole heart and soul. I love Bob Harper. I like Jillian Michaels, but not when she perches on the machine like a vulture. Too much, Jill, too much. The only slight problem I have is that it's apparent some skinny b-word thought of the title of the show. Double-edged sword. Do you REALLY want to win that award?
Glee- This is the unicorn I was referring to. However instead of mounted by Santa, this fine steed is ridden by Ms. Sue Sylvester. A vision in velour track suits, Sylvester brings back to TV what we've been lacking since the day of Roseanne. Classless, rude, biting wit. Oh how we've all missed a woman who doesn't give a damn. Oh, and the singing is quite nice too. Perhaps dim the light over Shuester's life (who cares?) and redirect to the true stars. Kurt, Mercedes, Brittany, Artie and Puck deserve some time in the limelight.
American Idol- I love you Ellen, don't you ever forget that, but I secretly hope Ryan Seacrest will fall down those stairs every night and suffer a penis injury. Though the verdict still isn't in on the existence of rumored falice.
Parenthood- Breakout hit. Bravo Lauren Graham. Can I be you when I grow up?
Jersey Shore Remember my reference to Ed Hardy and frosted tips? Here's the cess pool. Forget the recession. Why the hell is this being given media precedence over...well anything. Someone should be stabbed with Pauly D's hair, smothered by J-Woww's boobs, and have to spend an hour teaching Snooki the Pythagorean Theorem.
True Blood- Porn with a gap-toothed smile. Though all my friends love it? Maybe I'm missing something?
Bachelor/Bachelorette- Jake is engaged to canned meat (Vienna sausages). That's enough said. Too soon to tell about Ali. Though she still has that wrestler on there. Um...ewww.
Drop Dead Diva- You probably haven't heard or seen this because it's on the estrogen channel...oh excuse me, Lifetime. But there it is, amidst all the wife beaters, alcoholic psychopaths, and teen moms. Witty, smart, funny, and some really hot men? Lifetime did something right.
Teen Mom- My uterus is officially closed for business.
Alright, that about does it for right now. There might be a follow-up. If there's another TV show that strikes my fancy or causes me to question if I'm existing in some weird parallel universe.
Comment. Pass it on. BIG love.
***This is dedicated to my roommate, Katie-bug. Without whom, I would feel foolish for hip-thrusting while watching the hot shirtless men on The Bachelorette. She encourages it.
I love TV. Which probably attributes to many of my problems, but in my defense I am a much wittier and socially-conscious individual than when I used to see sunlight every single day. Silver lining, anyone?
Seeing as this is MY blog with MY thoughts, I feel like I can say what I want. So please read.
The Office- Let's begin with the obvious. The theme song is my ringtone. I have a poster, my browser is Office themed. There is a slight obsession. But lately, I fear for the integrity of my favorite show. Let's face it Jim and Pam were so much cuter when they were just that. Jim...and...Pam. Not Jam or Pim...or with a freakin' baby. I'm a fan of marriage, but let's be honest - the only person we care about finding wedded bliss is Michael. If you're female, you want to be able to fantasize about cute, adorable slacker Jim and not mortgage, boss, no-longer-look-in-the-camera Jim. Step it up, people. The Brits are winning.
The Biggest Loser- I love it. With my whole heart and soul. I love Bob Harper. I like Jillian Michaels, but not when she perches on the machine like a vulture. Too much, Jill, too much. The only slight problem I have is that it's apparent some skinny b-word thought of the title of the show. Double-edged sword. Do you REALLY want to win that award?
Glee- This is the unicorn I was referring to. However instead of mounted by Santa, this fine steed is ridden by Ms. Sue Sylvester. A vision in velour track suits, Sylvester brings back to TV what we've been lacking since the day of Roseanne. Classless, rude, biting wit. Oh how we've all missed a woman who doesn't give a damn. Oh, and the singing is quite nice too. Perhaps dim the light over Shuester's life (who cares?) and redirect to the true stars. Kurt, Mercedes, Brittany, Artie and Puck deserve some time in the limelight.
American Idol- I love you Ellen, don't you ever forget that, but I secretly hope Ryan Seacrest will fall down those stairs every night and suffer a penis injury. Though the verdict still isn't in on the existence of rumored falice.
Parenthood- Breakout hit. Bravo Lauren Graham. Can I be you when I grow up?
Jersey Shore Remember my reference to Ed Hardy and frosted tips? Here's the cess pool. Forget the recession. Why the hell is this being given media precedence over...well anything. Someone should be stabbed with Pauly D's hair, smothered by J-Woww's boobs, and have to spend an hour teaching Snooki the Pythagorean Theorem.
True Blood- Porn with a gap-toothed smile. Though all my friends love it? Maybe I'm missing something?
Bachelor/Bachelorette- Jake is engaged to canned meat (Vienna sausages). That's enough said. Too soon to tell about Ali. Though she still has that wrestler on there. Um...ewww.
Drop Dead Diva- You probably haven't heard or seen this because it's on the estrogen channel...oh excuse me, Lifetime. But there it is, amidst all the wife beaters, alcoholic psychopaths, and teen moms. Witty, smart, funny, and some really hot men? Lifetime did something right.
Teen Mom- My uterus is officially closed for business.
Alright, that about does it for right now. There might be a follow-up. If there's another TV show that strikes my fancy or causes me to question if I'm existing in some weird parallel universe.
Comment. Pass it on. BIG love.
***This is dedicated to my roommate, Katie-bug. Without whom, I would feel foolish for hip-thrusting while watching the hot shirtless men on The Bachelorette. She encourages it.
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