I am an official snuggie owner, and I love it. Seriously, it's a blanket with sleeves. Pure crap. But pure genius, all at the same time. And the sleeves make me feel like a wizard which is always a good thing. So Christmas has come and gone. Thank the Lord. I love celebrating Jesus's birthday and all, but c'mon. Christmas is totally not about Jesus anymore. You know it's true "Mr. Jesus is the Reason for the Season but I'm still gonna expect a butt-load of presents". With that being said, I hope you had a good birthday, Jesus and I hope you got lots of snuggies!
Christmas is always a good time to realize how much you dislike other people. For most of you, your own families. I hope Santa brought you some free therapy time. This year, Christmas made me realize how much I dislike parents of small children. Ok, that's harsh. I just dislike Toys R Us and their employees. YOUR EMPLOYEES ARE CRAP. That was a bad experience. I'm sorry that I made your 3-year-old cry, lady but just because you are in a child-specialty store does not mean it's a freakin' playground. Get a leash.
Oh and Santa didn't come to visit me this year. Boo. I'll let it slide this year, big guy, but next year I'd like you to tie my tubes and burn down Toys R Us.
Happy BIGGITY-BIG Holidays.
Sunday, December 27, 2009
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
Girls will be girls...so suck it.
I am proud to be a woman. Seriously, think of the perks! Yet, I am extremely disappointed and embarrassed of about 90% of the rest of my gender. Current rant: girls who claim to "hate girls".
We've all heard girls say it. "Like, omg, I seriously hate girls. Like I'm just different, you know? Like girls are soooooo dramatic....."
This is usually followed by, "WHY DIDN'T YOU CALL ME EVERY TWO MINUTES YESTERDAY? YOU'RE SUCH A DOUCHE, I'M TELLING EVERYONE YOU'RE GAY!"
Hmmm...I thought she was "different"? Though I don't know of many guys who believe that load of crap coming out of the bimbo's mouth, but in case YOU are one of the few guys that does...don't. Girls are ALL the same, including myself. We're emotional, we cry over every little thing, we assume you're dead or worse if you don't call, and we all talk crap.
And another thing, this guy friend is not your BFF. He's not going shopping with you, he doesn't write hearts on notes and say 'lots of love!', and he most certainly does not give two hoots that the witch from work said you have a big butt. Grow up. We're not in junior high. Girls and guys cannot be BFF's without someone wanting to get into the other's pants. Unless you're OK with that...then the slumber parties will probably continue. A friend of mine, Tucker, read this the other day and sent it to me:
"A woman has a close male friend. This means that he is probably interested in her, which is why he hangs around so much. She sees him strictly as a friend. This always starts out with, you're a great guy, but I don't like you in that way. This is roughly the equivalent for the guy of going to a job interview and the company saying, You have a great resume, you have all the qualifications we are looking for, but we're not going to hire you. We will, however, use your resume as the basis for comparison for all other applicants. But, we're going to hire somebody who is far less qualified and is probably an alcoholic. And if he doesn't work out, we'll hire somebody else, but still not you. In fact, we will never hire you. But we will call you from time to time to complain about the person that we hired."
In other words, you're a freakin' tease. This may not ALWAYS be the case, but it's a good rule of thumb. Guys are friends with guys and girls are friends with girls. Why? BECAUSE WE THINK ALIKE. Duh. Sure we cross-gender hang out, but don't get crazy, OK? Be friends, by all means! Just don't obsess about them. I did it once too. I completely ostracized myself from the rest of the world for my "guy bff". He wasn't my bff. He screwed me over because I was pushy, needy, and I acted like his girlfriend. I was NOT his girlfriend. Your guy BFF will probably be the guy you marry. So don't bestfriend-whore yourself out.
The lesson of the day: Don't say you hate girls. You're dumb and no one believes you. You love drama, so suck it. And stop trying to paint his nails and straighten his hair. He's a man. Let him scratch his nuts and belch in peace. Get a gay friend. Best of both worlds.
Have a BIG day.
We've all heard girls say it. "Like, omg, I seriously hate girls. Like I'm just different, you know? Like girls are soooooo dramatic....."
This is usually followed by, "WHY DIDN'T YOU CALL ME EVERY TWO MINUTES YESTERDAY? YOU'RE SUCH A DOUCHE, I'M TELLING EVERYONE YOU'RE GAY!"
Hmmm...I thought she was "different"? Though I don't know of many guys who believe that load of crap coming out of the bimbo's mouth, but in case YOU are one of the few guys that does...don't. Girls are ALL the same, including myself. We're emotional, we cry over every little thing, we assume you're dead or worse if you don't call, and we all talk crap.
And another thing, this guy friend is not your BFF. He's not going shopping with you, he doesn't write hearts on notes and say 'lots of love!', and he most certainly does not give two hoots that the witch from work said you have a big butt. Grow up. We're not in junior high. Girls and guys cannot be BFF's without someone wanting to get into the other's pants. Unless you're OK with that...then the slumber parties will probably continue. A friend of mine, Tucker, read this the other day and sent it to me:
"A woman has a close male friend. This means that he is probably interested in her, which is why he hangs around so much. She sees him strictly as a friend. This always starts out with, you're a great guy, but I don't like you in that way. This is roughly the equivalent for the guy of going to a job interview and the company saying, You have a great resume, you have all the qualifications we are looking for, but we're not going to hire you. We will, however, use your resume as the basis for comparison for all other applicants. But, we're going to hire somebody who is far less qualified and is probably an alcoholic. And if he doesn't work out, we'll hire somebody else, but still not you. In fact, we will never hire you. But we will call you from time to time to complain about the person that we hired."
In other words, you're a freakin' tease. This may not ALWAYS be the case, but it's a good rule of thumb. Guys are friends with guys and girls are friends with girls. Why? BECAUSE WE THINK ALIKE. Duh. Sure we cross-gender hang out, but don't get crazy, OK? Be friends, by all means! Just don't obsess about them. I did it once too. I completely ostracized myself from the rest of the world for my "guy bff". He wasn't my bff. He screwed me over because I was pushy, needy, and I acted like his girlfriend. I was NOT his girlfriend. Your guy BFF will probably be the guy you marry. So don't bestfriend-whore yourself out.
The lesson of the day: Don't say you hate girls. You're dumb and no one believes you. You love drama, so suck it. And stop trying to paint his nails and straighten his hair. He's a man. Let him scratch his nuts and belch in peace. Get a gay friend. Best of both worlds.
Have a BIG day.
Sunday, December 13, 2009
BIG debut.
Hey ya'll. Welcome to the BIG blog. Why is it Big? I'm glad you asked! My name is Samantha Jo and just about everything to do with me is big. I'm a big ol' girl with a big ol' mouth, some big ol' hair, and a big big BIG love for Jesus Christ. I've got a mouth like a sailor that may or may not stay in check for the duration of this blog. Get ready.
Thought for now: Elizabeth Taylor is one classy broad. I applaud a woman who isn't afraid to marry for money and look like a brazen hussy. If you combined her and Liza Minnelli into one, you'd have a freakin' superhero.
Thought for now: Elizabeth Taylor is one classy broad. I applaud a woman who isn't afraid to marry for money and look like a brazen hussy. If you combined her and Liza Minnelli into one, you'd have a freakin' superhero.
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