Lesson Two: The friend zone

The friend zone is all too-familiar territory for me. In fact, I can maneuver through it so well I'm like Whitney Houston running through the halls of rehab.

What is the friend zone? Well, the friend zone is, at it's core, completely misunderstood. It's really not as bad as it seems. Females have spent centuries (hello, hyperbole) complaining and trying to avoid it. Males, on the other hand, seem (I'm not an expert) to have a completely different outlook on it. In fact, guys have a much higher standard for the friend zone than you might assume. They won't just let anyone in it, only those they value. So stop dreading it. It could turn out to be the best friendship you've ever had. Plus, sometimes guys pull girls up from the friend league to wife up. Might be worth the wait.

But sometimes you want to hold the crap outta that boy's hand. Sometimes the friend zone is not enough.

I'm here to help. I've spent years trying to figure out the friend zone, and here's what I've found.

It all hinges on that first encounter. Just as in a job interview, you're being scrutinized, sized up, and picked apart in the brain of this dude to determine if he's willing to shell out some cash for what could be a waste of time. Guys do not enjoy wasting time on anyone but themselves. And perhaps, women should adopt that principle as well. We'll date every Tom, Dick, or Harry just in case he might be "the one". Guys know what they want, and if you don't fit the bill, move along.

We females tend to have a misconception of what the first encounter should be like. In our heads, we're Jennifer Aniston in one of her latest rom-coms. We expertly flip our hair and laugh our infectious laugh while, on the inside, we're the perfect girl that all these guys having been missing out on. We're low maintenance, funny, sexy, smart, and every other quality that describes the "perfect" woman. We're misunderstood. But ladies, the only misunderstanding most of us are suffering from is the one we're having with reality. There is no such thing as a perfect woman. So stop trying to be. Whenever you make up your mind that being you is enough, then you'll understand.

But back to that first meeting. Girls have been known to make a few very fatal mistakes when it comes to reeling in that fish. I'm not saying my rules are tried or true, but take it from a girl who perpetually lands herself smack dab in the middle of the friend zone.

Rule #1: Shut up.
If you're like me, nothing brings you more pleasure than talking 90 miles an hour in front of a captive audience. However, if you're trying to catch a man, shut your pie hole, lady. This is what it means to be "mysterious" and "keep them guessing". What it really means is that divulging the woes of your last menstrual cycle or how that b-word at work ate your non-fat yogurt when it was clearly labeled is a big no-no. Guys don't want you to be who you are; they want you to fulfill all their qualities for a perfect woman. Even the best guys feel that way. Don't blame them. They watched the same Disney movies we did, and did you ever see a whiny, slightly neurotic princess? Hell no, you did not.

Rule #2: Avoid man-talk.
I love baseball. To my very core, I love baseball. Guys love baseball too. Perfect conversation starter? Negative. While this guy loves that I share an interest in his favorite sport, he has simultaneously placed me firmly in his friend zone. You can notice this if he says "this chick is cool" or man-shakes your hand. You know that weird thing they do where it starts out like a high-five but ends in an awkward finger clutch? Why do they do that? But, trust me, it's the sign that you screwed up. Save this quality for the second date. It's still useful, but it's only to be used as your clincher. You need him to be attracted to you on a physical level first. He's got to want to hold your hand and kiss you good night. And then you land that baseball bomb on him? Now he wants to hold your hand and kiss you at the Rangers game. Bada-bing, bada-boom. You've got him where you want him.

Rule #3: Act Interested
Too often girls bend over backwards to seem like the most interesting girl alive and to hold his undivided attention. Once again, shut up. The male ego is very fickle and needs some lovin'. A few well-placed 'uh-huhs' and 'oh my goodness, tell me mores' will go a long way. Don't get me wrong. It's still about you, but take the high road and feed his self-esteem for a little while. You'll be glad you did.

Rule #4: Don't be a pushover
We all want to prove to guys that we're super laid-back and not at all high-maintenance, but no man wants a woman who doesn't know her self-worth. It's OK to set high standards. Guys like a challenge, and most will rise to the occasion. Don't protest when he brings you flowers; thank him and move on. Wait for him to hold open the door. Not only does it say "I'm worth your time, are you worth mine?", but it also says that you need a good man.

Rule #5: Laugh at his jokes.
Duh.

In conclusion, don't fear the friend zone, but don't doom yourself to it. Life is not a romantic comedy. Learn to play the game.

Now, go out in the wild blue yonder, ladies. And catch you a damn man.

Eye Candy # 1

Two posts in one night? Look at me go. Go me.

While I offered my first tip in the art of Man Catching earlier, I thought to myself, why delay on our first Eye Candy?

Jake Johnson



I adore Fox's New Girl. It's witty, fun, cute, and has Zooey Deschanel skipping around in the cutest clothes EVER. That, my friends, is a recipe for success.

But there are some major Hottie McHotPants in this show, girls. All of Zooey's (or Jess Day's) roommates are adorable, but one totally caught my eye.

Johnson plays Nick, the easy-going-but-still-kind-of-hung-up-on-his-ex guy. But what you might not know is that Johnson was in the little known but absolutely endearing Paper Heart which just so happened to have been partially filmed in the lovely Lubbock, Texas (Wreck 'Em Tech!). If you haven't seen it, do so. It's really fantastic.

Anyhoo, Jake has that really unconventional hotness factor. I think that's the most hipster thing I've ever said. But, really, he's got a good face and is super witty. Snap.

Now, sources (Twittah) lead me to believe that Johnson is hitched. In which case, bravo. I'm such a girl's girl, and I applaud my gender on their romantic pursuits. And it's obvious the girl has good taste. I think we'd be friends. Plus, his lady-love is lucky to be tied to a man who can successfully carry a mustache.

Not. Easy. But he does it well.

So, congrats Jake! You'll probably never read this, but your hotness is applauded and appreciated.

Be sure and check out New Girl on Fox, Tuesdays after Glee!

Lesson One: The Booty Pop

I was not blessed with a butt. In fact, my dad affectionately dubbed my lacking physique "the back with a crack". I've learned to embrace it... what little there is to grab hold of. But I realize there is one thing I must master to place me one step ahead in the Man-Catching business.

The Booty Pop

You've seen it. The girls who can back that thang up with ease and the men flock to them like a moth to a flame. It's like magic.

The art of the finely popped bootay is not one to be snubbed. It's not a skill monopolized by the club or bar scene. Oh no, not at all, my friend. The booty can be popped in many different settings. And let me tell you - men enjoy a lady who can finely shake her rump.

Have you ever seen someone turn down Kim Kardashian or J-Lo? That's a rhetorical question because heck no you haven't. Those girls got back.

Let me offer a disclaimer. Don't be a tramp. The booty pop should never be abused. In fact, it's more a way of life rather than an actual act. You've got to let that boy know you are one hot ticket. I'll leave it at that.

So take it from me and the wise words of Kelis. The milkshake can bring all the boys the yard.

Adventures in Man-Catching

After I brushed the cobwebs off this darling blog, I was utterly stumped on how to fall back in to the business. Nothing new or exceptionally exciting has happened that I didn't tweet about (love me some Twittah).

But then, it hit. Well, actually Sarah-friend gave me a verbal butt kick in the right direction.

I have this list. It's actually in my brainium - not on paper. It's my Man-Catching List.

A good man is a hot commodity these days, people, and should be treated as seriously as unicorn tears. I don't mess around with matters of the heart... or bank account. I mean to catch me a good (rich) one and, preferably, before I'm committed to velour sweatsuits and underground Rascal racing.

Why am I doing this?

I'm a tad bit boy crazy. I know you're shocked. I've suppressed the quality for years because no one likes those bat-crap crazy females. Not that I'm a bat-crap crazy female or anything. I'm just throwing that out there. For educational purposes.

In addition to sharing my Man-Catching List, I'll be posting some Eye Candy every now and then. Most will be celebrities because, unlike most, I'm destined for a life of fame and fortune and prefer to be realistic about my destiny and not toil with average boys. You can all come visit after I'm on Cribs. I'm totally OK with rubbing junk in your faces.


DISCLAIMER: This list, thus far, has proved to be 100 percent ineffective. You were warned.

Adventures in Teaching

It's April, and April means that we are only ONE six-weeks away from summaaaaaah! If I can make it six more weeks, then I will have looked my first year of teaching in the eye and kicked in the throat. I wish I had the stamina to run up a flight of steps Rocky-style, but seeing as how this year has added 20 lbs. to my formerly fabulous physique (ha), and I've battled three rounds of bronchitis, I think I'll hold off on that.

Teaching is an adventure. EVERY. SINGLE. DAY.

If you aren't a fan of emotional rollercoasters, then you should step out of line and go to the spinning teacups because this ride ain't for suckas. But it's fun. Lawdy, it can be fun. In fact, every day is a bit like that awkward feeling you get when watching Jerry Springer. You want to look away, but 1) you're a tinsy bit afraid and 2) you really don't want to look away.

In honor of my near completion of my rookie year, I'm going to start a series about teaching because my life is already consumed with it. Might as well roll with it. Here goes. Enjoy.

The Room-Smell Game

At first, this annoyed me. In fact, it drove me nuts. Now, it's my own personal game to guess what the winning smell will be.

Let me explain.

Every single period has at least one kid who enters the classroom, and without so much as a 'Sup', decides what the room smells like on that given day.

Last Friday was Tootsie Rolls and puke. Those days are my favorite.

I might marry my DVR.

I'm addicted to television. Nothing cute about it. No quirky lead-ins or self-deprecating humor to distract you from the fact that I have a significant problem.

Alright, I'm over it. Whew, I actually thought I was going to commit myself to some sort of meeting. Yeah right! Like I have time in my busy TV schedule to do that? I think not.

Television programming hasn't been this fantastic in some time. Every week I'm satisfied with just enough junk to balance my enrichment and just enough drama to balance my humor. Seriously, they should pay me to watch TV. The love of my life, my DVR, and I are more than up to the challenge.

Monday:
-The Bachelor: Shut the hell up. I see your judgy eyes. Yes, it's trashy. Yes, it's dramatic. Yes, it's ridiculous, Yes, it's AWESOME. Remember how that vampire kid told that ugly, twitchy girl that she was like his meth or something super teenager angsty like that? Well, the Bachelor is mine - without all of the scratching and drug-addict tendencies like, ya know, theft. None of that.

-Greek: Cappie is hot. Plus, I get to feel like a sorostitute for one hour a week. I always wanted to see how the other half lived.

-Harry's Law: Kathy Bates is a beast. Plus, my grandma loves it. I'm down with the elderly. They're my people.

Tuesday:
-Glee: I do a fair amount "pop, lockin', and droppin' it" whenever I just think about this show. Can you imagine what I'm like watching it? Let me give you a visual... pelvic thrusts.

-Raising Hope: Dear God, thank You for this show. Also, I peed my pants once while watching it. I'm not ashamed.

Wednesday:
-American Idol: I love Steven Tyler, and J-Lo will always be Jenny from the block to me.

Thursday:
-AI: Word.

-The Office: If you know me, you know about my eternal, undying devotion to Jim Halpert. I need not explain further.

-Grey's Anatomy: I've been there since the beginning. I can't divorce them - even when things get tough. I'm loyal.

Friday:
-Supernatural: I really have no words for this.

So yeah there it is. My life in a week.

Okay, maybe I do need a meeting...

BIG love.

Is something burning? Oh, it's you.

I wonder as I begin this blog if I am overstepping my boundaries.

Is it ok to say what I am about to?

Ok, I'll say it.

It has to be said.

I can't NOT say it.

Whew, here goes.

No, really this time I'm going to say it.

...

Hey lady, tan much?

I say this out of love, honey. In fact, I've created a checklist to help. I'm really quite wonderful. If the Nobel Peace Prize committee calls, please take a message. Sainthood is so demanding. Anyhoo..

1) If you wake up one morning feeling less like P. Diddy and more like a basketball stranded in the middle of the Sahara Desert...you tan too much.

2) If you possess blindly-white teeth and eyes, take a step back and realize that you look like a freak and...you tan too much.

3) If you have ever been asked what percentage Native American you are...you tan too much.

4) If you have ever been eyed a little too long not for your beauty but for your leather-esque skin which would make a lovely pair of shoes...you tan too much.

5) If frequently catch a whiff of something odd and look around for Joan of Arc, it is you burning yourself alive because...you tan too much.

While I admit tan fat is prettier than pale fat...don't get crazy girls. Like a cookie, golden brown=good, crispy brown=icky.

Big love.